Confessions of an Enabler

We don’t choose to become enablers; but by some trick of fate we fall prey to the constant help me I’m falling . I have experienced this dilemma more times than I care to count. I am the 5th of 8 siblings which makes me almost the middle child. I have been the stuckee for a lot of things during my lifetime. The worst of which is the role of caregiver/enabler. I’ve had 3 male relatives that were drug addicts. They didn’t have to be but chose to experiment with various drugs and became addicted. They went thru rehab several times. One of them recovered and went on to live a clean life until the day of is death. He decided he didn’t want to be an addict any longer and was able to stop. His death was due to brain cancer. The 2nd one spent time in jail and was released to a Salvation Army facility. This was part of his probation, to complete 6 months under their supervision. He was found one morning over dosed. No one confessed to knowing how that happened. With these two there was a desire to do better. I thought they would. The third one has been a thorn in my side for the last 20 years. I have been enabling him in hopes he would reform. The bad part of being and enabler is you always think you’re doing what’s best for them. The one more time syndrome. Knowing deep inside that it’s not going to work. We’ve had intercessor speak to them to no avail. Not wanting to accept defeat, I’ve allowed myself to spend money I knew I wasn’t going to get back. The Lord doesn’t want us to condemn any one or judge, but he also gives us common sense and the knowledge that we can’t save anyone who doesn’t desire to be saved of free from the chains that bind them. I don’t flatter myself into thinking that I can save; that obviously won’t happen thru me. But I know a man. We must come to the realization that we can be a vessel that is used to lead a person to Christ, who then takes on the job. No one better fit to handle.

I wish there was more help and aid for those of us that struggle. I know there is counselling. We can’t do it alone. My journey started more that 20 years ago. I was living in Seattle, Washington at the time. My younger brother was out of control with his drug habit. Older brother thought he would do better if he left his environment. He came and was doing well for a while. Then the brothers went ass over tea kettle and they to get deep into the drug scene. They were running to and fro like the devil in the earth extorting $$ from me to support their habits. In the meantime, I was having problems with my marriage. Husband was manic depressive and a pathological liar. Bills weren’t being paid. Things were a hot mess. So, I didn’t need and extra burden but ended up with this younger brother in tow. He worked for a while, got his own place. I don’t know how he thought he could pay half a month’s rent every month and still have a place to stay. ???? They evicted him and her he comes to my place. Ex-husband informs me he doesn’t want to be married anymore and packs up and leaves. Baby brother working but not helping much. I borrowed $$ to move and relocated farther up the street. Brother in tow. And he repeatedly spent his rent money. Laid around all day doing nothing as he was collecting unemployment. I put a lock on my bedroom door and he had the audacity to remove the lock and steal money from me. Then replaced it as if nothing had happened. As I write this, I wonder why I allowed it to continue. But I did. Several times once we moved back to Georgia. One incident i recall was when he raised a machete at me for putting no drugs allowed in my mom’s yard. He and two of his friends had sneaked into the house and were lying in the bedroom that used to be his. When I confronted him, he got angry. When he saw the sign, he ran and chopped it apart. I asked him to stop and i put another one up at which time he pulled up the machete and drew it back. I dared him to hit me. My other brother showed up and told him to leave. He pulled his pants down and patted his butt at me. And yet I couldn’t hate him for it. But I knew that he couldn’t stay with me again.

Unfortunately, he came back. Manipulators have a way of convincing you that they are going to do the right thing this time. And I still don’t know why I am so easy to convince of something that i know isn’t going to work. Moved in again and in less than 6 months repeat offender. No attempt to get help. His idea of cleaning his room was to throw everything on the floor or in the closet. Burning incense and ashes dropping on the carpet. Oil spilled from something all over the floor. Eating in the room and not removing the dish for days. It doesn’t sound like a sound mind. Anyway, our niece invited him to move to Oklahoma with her. She’s in the Army. That way she would have someone to watch her kids. Off he went. And I was finally free. Life resumed and I was much happier. I dealt with a lot of things in my life but never so much from the same person. He was stranded in Oklahoma after my niece relocated. Instead of him getting a job and establishing a life for himself, he wimped out and the family had to send him a bus ticket home. Back again. No transportation, no job but lots of promises. I’m not sure how long this lasted but once again my niece needed him to move to Tennessee with her. Praise the Lord. He goes with her. She has supplied him with a vehicle, room and board. He lands a job with a furniture company there and works pretty good for a few years. Still dabbling with the drugs. Driving a fork life at a new job he was on and tested positive for drugs. Had an accident of some sort. Got fired. Niece put him out! Didn’t want to subject her boys to drugs in their own home. He couldn’t understand that. So once again he’s out on the street. The car broke down and no way to fix. There was public transit, so he used that for transportation, He says he wasn’t able to pay room and board, so every other week he was calling for help. That finally wore out and once again, he needed to come home. We sent a bus ticket and bam. Here he is again!!! No one else will allow him to stay with them, so I am the stuckee. After 3 months he finally goes to work for the same furniture company he worked for in Tennessee. Older brother purchased a vehicle for him. Things were running pretty smoothly fora time. Except hidden secrets started popping up. Pawned car title kept getting behind and eventually car was picked up. In the meantime, lost his job. No money coming in. In the town we live in, a vehicle is essential. A lot of unscrupulous things were going on, but I assisted in getting the vehicle back. Paid delinquent phone bill. Still no job. Finally lands a job that required driving a long distance. Prior to that he landed a job training to be a bus driver. Worked one month and took his first check about $1500 and blew it drugging and drinking. Fired or quit, not sure which. So, FedEx was too far away. Quit. One other place was too far and was advised by brother that he wouldn’t drive that far to work. A little money is better than none at all. So now he’s living from pillar to post, don’t know how he’s going to make it. And has this 30-year-old woman with 3 kids tagging behind him. My house is not a refuge anymore. It is no longer a sanctuary. Every road has got to end somewhere. I won’t take responsibility for someone else’s mistakes.

As I said earlier, I did not choose this assignment, but it fell on me like a ton of bricks. And what it had done, is sent me into a state of mind that i feel helpless and hopeless. So much so that I’ve went into therapy to save what semblance I have of being normal. No one chooses to be tied to things that are detrimental to their well-being. The ones creating these unhealthy situations aren’t aware of the damage they are causing. My brother wants to think he’s okay and we keep telling him he isn’t. He struggles from day to day on just enough to get by. Even trying to write this, depresses. me. It’s hard to imagine being out in the streets because you need to be with a person with someone who seems to be a mental case also. Love makes you do foolish things, as the saying goes. He states that she won’t leave him alone. Would rather sleep in a car as long as she is with him. Dragging her kids with them, though I’ve heard they are in a real home for now. Opportunity is out there every day for those that are looking. But nothing comes knocking on your door. Seeking daily to try to pull oneself out of the hole. I know there are others out there like me. Fallen prey to sibling abuse. I pray for us to realize that there is nothing we can do but let go and let God. His will be done. The relationship they had finally came to an end when TitleMax picked the car up. He was lying around every day making me sicker and sicker. The end finally came one Saturday when our older brother came to get him to help with some chores. At that time, the car was parked in my driveway. The girl drove up with her friend, said Ike told her to get the car. I say ok and off she went. I guess that was her way of showing him. Our brother took him with him, and I gladly packed his stuff. He gave me an evil look. I was soooo glad to have my house back or so I thought.

He lived down there with them. Got a job at a sunglasses factory. Was doing well, then boom. He was laid off. Why he can’t hold a job for more than 6 months beguiles me. He did another stint at a restaurant but that to fell apart. The car he bought broke down one night, he had it towed to my house with no money to pay the driver. Here I go again. I went to the bank and got the money. The car is still sitting in my driveway. While he and his girlfriend were sitting in my driveway, and my backyard I felt as if I was being stalked. I was afraid to look out the window not knowing what I was going to encounter. I was literally scared. He went back to my brother’s house and started acting crazy; so crazy to the point to where he brought back to our sister’s house and put him out. They were trying to kill him. The Ex-girlfriend and a friend of his were secretly meeting in the basement and were plotting to kill him. He heard our brother and his wife calling him a no-good junkie. He was afraid they were going to hurt him and he had to stay away from them. Once again he promised to do this and that. He had a job at one of the local furniture companies. Problem was he had no transportation. So I had to get him to and from work. Pay day worked pretty well the 1st week. He paid partial rent the next week. After that things started to go down the rabbit hole. He was determined to buy this car the owner had. They drew up an agreement and I received no rent from then on. I had to put him out one last time but no before he knocked 3 holes in my ceiling. I allowed him to sleep in the house at night but when I left to go to work, he had to go to his car. One morning when I came in from work, I noticed there was a hole in the ceiling in my garage. I thought that was strange. I came in the house and looked at him. He had this funny look on his face. I walked to his bedroom and there was a gaping hole in the ceiling. That wasn’t the end of it. The spare bedroom had a hole also. He says he heard voices in the ceiling, and he was trying to get them out. I blew up and told him to get the heck out of my house. He thought I was kidding, begging me to let him stay, he would fix it. No! Get your stuff and go. Asking me where he was going to stay. That was the least of my worries. I must say, I have never encountered anything like this in my life. A few years earlier, he almost burned the house down trying to cook. Started a grease fire, slung the pan off the stove spreading to grease to the cabinets and the floor. $10,000 later. So, here I was again presented with the cost of fixing these holes. During this time, I was washing his clothes and feeding him occasionally. He never came offering anything but would do some work, if I paid him. Believe it or not, I felt sorry for him. His mind isn’t operating in the present. He’s delusional and I think the audible hallucinations are still occurring. He said they don’t happen when he’s at work. When I talk to him, he seems to think he’s ok. But he isn’t. His latest escapade was trying to elude a law enforcement officer and several other charges. He was arrested and jailed. They towed the car away. He was buying the car from his employer. Paying him every two weeks. Secrets revealed after his arrest. The license plate on the car had been replaced with a car that he had earlier. That car sits in my yard. The owner of his car had to pick it up from impound and pay storage fees. Men are so disgusting sometimes. When I confronted his employer about returning Deric’s personal belongings; he informed me that he didn’t have the car; when in fact, I inquired at the tow yard if it had been. Asked also if Deric had any money coming to him. Answered with the statement that he owed him money. I had brought him the phone they used for delivery orders. It’s unfortunate that he had to lie to me like that. I didn’t appreciate it one bit as I could well have told him I didn’t have that phone. I could tell from the look in his eyes; that he was lying. So, I called the big guns in. John. I relayed the situation to him, and he assured me that he would attend to it after the holiday. He and Jackson went over and negotiated with the boss after John told him what could happen if he didn’t release a paycheck owed along with his bank card. Ike is making calls from the jail asking for money which he knows he has no right to ask for. But that is who he is.

I encountered a young man sitting outside the Dollar Tree today, saying he was homeless. I struck up a conversation with him asking him how he ended up in this situation. He replied he was tired, and just said f&&& it. I asked if he was angry, if he knew God or a higher power. He went on to say he knew God. His family was toxic, he didn’t have anyone he could trust. I asked if he had a Bible, he said no. Asked if he would be there tomorrow; he didn’t know. I would bring him a Bible tomorrow if he was there. I don’t know if he was telling truth or not, but God knows. I gave him some money and told him God loves him and even though I didn’t know him, I loved him too. His name was Fritz. I asked like the cat. He said yes. I found out this character was X-rated cartoon. Anyway, I left him with a have a good day. I could imagine Ike out there on the street, homeless. And he could very well end up there if he doesn’t change. But it’s only thru the help of our Lord, Jesus Christ that it will happen. I don’t think he believes. I am also praying for me to let go of the guilt I feel when I can’t cure everyone’s problems. That I am not responsible for anyone but myself.

I have been gravitating back and forth trying to figure out what possesses a human being to fall into the throes of a fantasy world that they created and keep going back. Drug users will suck the life out of you, if you allow them. I still try to forget the dread I would feel coming home each. I would pull up in my driveway and there they would be sitting. Worse than that, I might look out of my window and see them parked in the backyard. He didn’t see anything wrong with that. As I contemplate this move trying my best to get 24 years of stuff sold or given away, my stress level has gone up. But I read something the other day that got me back on the right track. I have to live for myself, one day at a time. This is my season. Whatever; else transpires with this brother won’t be my business. I am praying that if he is released, he will get into a rehab facility and confess that he is unstable, not just because of the drugs but of other malfunctions of his brain. He won’t confess to the fact that his mind has taken on a different way of thinking.